after my procedure at the hospital today my doctor tried to explain all of the medications he’s putting me on and i was kind of out of it on pain meds and he goes, “and i’m going to be putting you on some serious steroids, do you have any problems with that?”
and apparently i looked at my mom and whispered, “i’ll never play major league baseball” and started crying
Baby thinks she can eat food from the magazine
What an idiot
Reblog for that comment.
what if the coins you find randomly at the bottom of drawers and in between couch cushions are actually from spiders trying to pay rent
wake up open the curtains
take a shower then dry my hair
come down stairs ready for breakfast
greet the mailman
Russian medical record written in cursive
THIS MAKES ME MAD ON A PRIMAL LEVEL
how long will it burn if it isn’t an emergency???????
I’ve never understood the stereotype that women are more likely to faint at blood
I mean seriously
what do you think we do every month
DAMMIT THEY WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE WEREWOLF THING
AWH COME ON GUYS THAT WAS A SECRET FOR A REASON
CAN NO ONE KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT THESE DAYS?
that would make the funniest fucking story ever. Due to a mix up at the factory, the template for incantations that was supposed to a publishing company of dark art books is sent to a feminine products factory. Girl then accidentally summons Satan with period blood. Satan gets confused because its “dead blood” and when he shows up he realizes the sacrifice was done incorrectly so he cannot take the girl’s soul but now is bound to do her bidding because oops his bad, he showed up anyway.
This is 100% true
This tweet sounds as though introverts consume the souls of others before they engage in social events.
This is 100% true
When he was 2 years old, he fell out of a second story window and fractured his skull
When he was 6 years old, he mistakenly drank boric acid.
When he was 9 years old, he fell over a small cliff and broke his leg.
When he was 11 years old, he contracted measles and was in a coma for nine days.
When he was 14 years old, he broke his arm when he caught it in a carriage door.
When he was 19 years old, he was struck on the head by a falling brick.
When he was 23 years old, he almost died from the effects of tainted wine.
When he was 29 years old, Adolph Sax invented the saxophone.
clearly someone didn’t want that saxophone invented
THIS NEEDS TO BE A 300-PAGE SCI-FI NOVEL BECAUSE I WOULD READ THE HELL OUTTA THAT